I don’t know where I am coming from right now or what I am doing with my life really. I mean I try and surround myself with people who are positive and want the same things as I do. Although there are some people that I am faced with daily who make me weak inside because I know I have wronged them, and I know that they have no idea. Then there are others who I have wronged who know about it, but rather than confronting me they choose to be caddy, and childish. I haven’t felt like the best version of myself lately and it makes me sick to my stomach, or it could be all of the adderall I have taken tonight. Listening to John Mayer and trying to focus on breathing isn’t helping as much as I thought it would. What I feel like I need is someone to talk to, someone who isn’t myself or who doesn’t have a bias opinion. I guess bias opinions are hard to come by. How am I supposed to tell my significant other that I know he isn’t right for me? I am not strong enough to leave like I should. There is an honest part of me that realizes and understands that he is also with me just to avoid loneliness, which I believe is how we ended up together. The truth is, nothing hurt me more than Daniel’s rejection. I was so fixated on the idea of us as a couple, of us as anything that I was willing to just wait until something magically happened, but the truth is that it never would. There is that slight possibility that somewhere in the future he will realize what a mistake he made, but I just hope to God that I have moved on. Most of me has moved on, but my fear is that if he were to say the right things I would fall back into that bottomless pit of denial. Hearing words lately that I don’t think I have ever heard in my lifetime have been hard for me. Oh what a little bit of an ego will produce. Hearing John say, “you look amazing,” and hearing Josh refer to me as “hot” has made every bit of self esteem I have boil into something times a million. The problem is, what if I am the fool for believing it. Somehow I go through this life and others keep making mistakes and somehow it seems as if I am making the right choices. If I know in my heart that my boyfriend will never make me as happy as I was waiting for Daniel, or how happy I was in that coffee shop with John, why am I with him? The problem is he does make me happy, just not happy enough. How do you tell someone they aren’t good enough without absolutely crushing their spirit? I would be heartbroken and want to end it right then. My conclusion is to simply convince him that he never loved me either. I am not sure if I loved him, if I love him, or whatever the feeling was. It was certainly never infatuation, contempt maybe. I am going to be so alone. I am so scared. All I want is to be happy, but am I happier pretending then actually searching? I would be going against everything I believe in to settle rather then trying. That’s how I have been justifying my…whatever it was with Daniel…was telling myself I sleep at night knowing that I did the best that I could and that I try. Maybe I continue to try. I feel like I reach out as a friend to him and it goes nowhere. I hope it eats away at him more than at me. I thought Jamie has a hold of me, he does. Its like I can’t get away from him. Of course he applies to my job, why wouldn’t he? And of course he texts me the next morning I find out. I want to be the best I can be, but I am not sure if I am making the right choices. If I had to choose between being poor and in love, or content with my relationship and wealthy…I would choose wealthy, every single time. I guess money is the ultimate goal in this scenario, because in my mind somewhere money can buy peace of mind which is as close to happiness as one can get. If I knew right this second that John would be interested in me I think it would make what I have to do a lot easier. The truth is that I don’t know, and could be kidding myself because I have seen the kinds of girls that he hangs out with. I guess I didn’t look that hard when looking for a boyfriend. I remember crying my eyes out asking God for anyone. He found me someone that’s for sure, and the problem is that he is a great guy. I have pushed so many people away that if I were to lose my relationship I would be left with little. I want the kind of relationship where I am with my best friend. I am not with my best friend. He is barely my friend sometimes. I need someone who will guide me and support me when I need it the most. When I lose it, to remind me that everything will be okay and help me get through it. I need to feel beautiful and important. The best things come when you aren’t looking, but I found something when I started looking. I have a lot of guilt about last semester. I worry everyday at some point that I will be caught for what I did. My actions make me a horrible person. I am curious as to what lesson I was supposed to be learning. I am aware of everyone else’s. I mean obviously it was revenge, and teaching a lesson that two wrongs don’t make a right, but why was I a part of it? God knows I can’t handle temptation well, its like he encouraged it. There was so much manipulation looking back on it, it was almost a trap. Sometimes the pressure I feel is overwhelming and I feel like I can’t escape it. I feel so under a million pounds that I can’t breathe. All I want is to get through this rough patch and enjoy where I am. I know I can’t do that until I am happy with myself. Its hard to reach for a goal when you aren’t sure what it is. I want to start hiking again. I want to do something that people can one day say, “wow,” and mean it. Nothing is better. Talking to my California friends makes me seem like a failure because I couldn’t do it on my own, but then again I am doing better than they are so shouldn’t I be happy? I feel like I am wandering in circles and I can’t even remember why I started walking. I feel very isolated and alone, I think I am teetering on the verge of depression but I keep myself too busy to notice. This is not winning. Charlie’s illusions of grandeur seemed to make sense to me. I wonder if I sometimes have manic episodes, or if I am just relatable. Maybe that’s why I chose that profession, because I have a unique skill to relate. The problem with seeing right through people is that sometimes when I impulsively vocalize my thoughts they get me into trouble. Most of my worst decisions come from uncontrollable impulsivity. My best could also come from that as well I suppose. I want nothing more than to be at the top of my game, but it is only through my ADD that I can type three pages of absolute garbage that doesn’t even flow together. How is it already five am? The last time I looked it was four. I want to be thin. I want someone like John. John reminds me of Trent. Trent intrigued me because I couldn’t read him. It’s because he lacked honesty, and it was such a turn-on. To be able to have that kind of delusional confidence is dangerous, but I am so envious of it. All I wanted was a piece of that; maybe I hoped it would rub off on me. I miss that feeling; I sort of felt it with John. I am trying to remember if I ever felt it with Wyat. I don’t remember feeling that way. I feel in a comfortable place, I have never had to try to be anything more that I am. There is something to making yourself look and seem better. That will circle my brain for days, weeks, “you look amazing”. What could he have meant by that? He could have said a million other words. Why amazing? He actively drove across town to chat with me for a few hours knowing that I had a boyfriend. What was he hoping for, other than a cure for boredom? He made sure I WASN’T trying to seduce him, which I wasn’t. We were never really friends, I was the one who wanted him. I remember asking him how to make out over IMs when I was in 8th grade. What was I thinking? Haha. Talk about impulsivity. This is one of those the grass is always greener scenarios. But if I am not happy with my grass why wouldn’t I look for better?
